Every parent deserves kicka** support: Why dads need therapy, too
Nobody hands a new dad a screener, they just ask how mom’s doing. Here’s why postpartum depression in men goes unnamed so often, and what actually helps.
Sneak peak:
Somewhere along the way, becoming a new dad got turned into a punchline. He’s the guy in the hospital hallway pacing with bad coffee. The guy who helps out with the baby like it’s a favor and not, you know, his kid that he loves, too. The guy everyone checks on by asking how mom is doing.
Meanwhile the guy is standing in a hospital hallway on ninety minutes of sleep, watching the person he loves most bleed and heal and question everything about her body and her life, and somewhere in there he’s also supposed to be fine. Not struggling or scared, but fine. (He’s usually not fine, but nobody is handing him a screener to ask.)
In this article, we’ll discuss why postpartum depression in men is so common, what the symptoms look like, and how therapy may be able to help.
Quick note: We are using heteronormative language in this article, for dads and moms, in order to appeal to the search engines and have this blog post be read by those who need it. We do have blog posts specific to LGBTQIA+ parenting, such as ____. Please know that the majority of this content does apply to dads, non-birthing partners, and masculine-aligned parents.
Postpartum depression in men is more common than you think
About one in ten new dads develop depression or anxiety in that first year, roughly double what you’d expect in the general adult male population.1,2 Sometimes the tricky part is that it doesn’t show up right around. Risk of depressive or anxious symptoms actually peaks around the three-to-six-month mark, right when the last casserole dish has been returned and everyone’s quietly assumed he’s got it handled.3
That gap hasn’t gone unnoticed by pediatricians, of all people. The American Academy of Pediatrics has formally called for well-child visits to screen fathers and non-birthing parents for depression, not just the parent who gave birth, because a baby’s pediatrician is often the only medical professional a new dad sees regularly in that first year.4
When mom struggles, dad’s risk doubles
Here’s the part nobody puts on the onesie: the single biggest predictor of paternal depression is maternal depression.5 When your partner is drowning, you don’t get to stand on the shore. You pick up the night feedings she can’t do, the logistics she can’t track, the emotional weight she can’t carry right now, all while trying to look like the sturdy one. Her exhaustion becomes your workload. Your stress makes it harder for her to rest. Nobody planned this, and now it’s running both of you into the ground at the same time.
This is why we as therapists don’t treat the mom over here and everyone else over there. A family that just had a baby is one nervous system split across two or three bodies, and it doesn’t get better by only patching one of them.
Is it just paternal postpartum depression?
Paternal postpartum depression gets used as a catch-all term, but the actual experience is messier than one label. Some dads are anxious more than sad (like scanning for what could go wrong next or feeling like you need to prepare for every situation). Some are dealing with intrusive or terrifying thoughts about the baby or their partner getting hurt. Some are still replaying a delivery that went sideways, standing helpless in a room where nobody asked what he needed.
And this can happen with any parent, regardless of whether they birthed the baby. Queer parents, masculine-aligned parents, dads, foster parents, adoptive parents, and step-parents can all experience mental health symptoms related to this life transition.
Why dads don’t say anything (even when their mental health is struggling)
Only a small fraction of men experiencing depression or anxiety ever get treated. This could be because almost nobody is screening for it, or almost nobody is talking about it, or both. Here’s what’s actually keeping dads quiet, and what can help once they stop being quiet and bravely ask for help.
Stigma
Depression in fathers rarely looks like the sadness people picture when they think of postpartum depression, and this could be applied in general to men’s experience even outside of postpartum.
Depression tends to show up sideways, as irritability, a short fuse, restlessness, pulling away from the family, working later than he needs to, drinking more than he used to. Because it doesn’t match the sad-and-crying picture most people associate with postpartum struggles, it’s easy for a father’s depression to go completely unnamed, even by the man living through it.6
Underneath that is a simple yet punishing belief a lot of men absorbed long before they became fathers: asking for help is a threat to how they see themselves. Nearly half of men with a diagnosable mental health condition never get treatment for it, and men die by suicide at nearly four times the rate of women.78 Those aren’t small gaps. They’re the cost of a stigma that’s been left mostly unchallenged.
There’s also a practical layer to the stigma. Most perinatal mental health screening, resources, and even the language used in doctor’s offices is built around mothers. Additionally, most clinicians have far more training in treating mothers than fathers.9 A father showing up to a pediatrician appointment isn’t likely to be asked how he’s sleeping, whether he’s had thoughts of hurting himself, or whether he feels connected to the baby. (Even though the American Academy of Pediatrics is trying to change this.) The systems meant to catch this simply weren’t built with him in the room.
Dad burnout
Burnout in new fathers doesn’t always look like a crisis. More often it looks like someone who’s just running on empty and calling it normal. Things are getting done, but maybe you’re feeling:
- Chronically tired, like you can never
- As if you can’t concentrate on anything anymore
- Headaches or tension in your shoulders, in your muscles
- A short temper you don’t quite recognize
- Irritability towards your partner, towards the baby, or towards coworkers
- Like you need to withdraw yourself from friends or hobbies you once enjoyed because there’s no time or energy left
Some of that comes from sheer logistics. According to the Pew Research Center, around 47% of working dads report not getting enough sleep while trying to balance work and family.10 About 48% carry ongoing guilt about not spending enough time with their kids.11 But a lot of it also comes from a role that’s shifted faster than the support around it has.
Fathers today are generally expected to be full financial providers and hands-on, emotionally present parents, at the same time, without the role models, workplace flexibility, or social permission that would make that combination sustainable. Phew. That’s a mouthful to say: sh*t has gotten substantially harder.
Burnout is what happens when the demands double and the support doesn’t. But your support can be added to through therapy. (Keep reading to find out how!)
Toxic masculinity
Talk about a term that gets thrown around a lot. But the research on how toxic masculinity operates is more specific than the phrase, or social media, suggests.
The theme of toxic masculinity in our society doesn’t directly stop men from seeking help. Instead, it works through something researchers call restrictive emotionality: the belief, absorbed early and reinforced constantly, that emotions are supposed to be hidden. Men who score higher on restrictive emotionality are significantly less likely to reach out to a therapist, a friend, or even a partner when they’re struggling.12
That’s the quieter, more insidious version of “man up”. It’s years of small signals, from movies, from fathers and grandfathers, from locker rooms and boardrooms, that add up to a single rule: strength means not needing anything from anyone. A new baby has a way of testing that rule immediately. When the only acceptable response to hard is silence, dads don’t stop struggling. They just stop mentioning it.
How therapy for new fathers can help
Therapy that’s actually built for new fathers does a few specific things.
- It gives a name to what’s happening, instead of leaving him to privately wonder if the irritability, the numbness, or the constant low-grade dread is just what fatherhood is supposed to feel like.
- It creates a room where the script about strength and silence doesn’t apply, where saying “I’m struggling” isn’t a threat to his identity anymore.
- It grants him a place to put the stuff that doesn’t have anywhere else to go. Like the guilt over snapping at your partner, the grief for a life that looks different now, the fear that he’s not built for this.
- For couples, it can also open up conversations neither partner has had the bandwidth or the words for, about the shift in the relationship, the division of labor, the lack of intimacy, the disconnect that exhaustion tends to create.
It also tends to work. Fathers who get support, whether that’s individual therapy, couples counseling, or a structured program aimed at postpartum adjustment, generally report significant improvement, not just in their own symptoms but in how connected they feel to their partner and their baby. None of that requires him to have it all figured out before he walks in. You don’t have to have it all figured out before you reach out.
It also isn’t only about you. Untreated paternal depression tends to show up as more conflict at home and less connection with the baby, which means getting support for yourself is one of the more useful things you can do for the whole household.13 (But you are enough reason to get help, sir!)
What to expect in therapy for men
If your only reference point for therapy is a couch, a box of tissues, and someone asking how that makes you feel, we get it. But therapy doesn’t have to be that way.
A lot of men avoid therapy not because they’re against the idea of getting help, but because the version of it they’re picturing sounds miserable: sitting across from a stranger in a quiet office, being asked to excavate your childhood, expected to cry on command. That version exists, but it’s not the only one. A good therapist will adjust the format to fit the person in front of them rather than the other way around.
In practice, therapy that works well for men tends to be more collaborative and more concrete. Sessions often start with a specific problem, not an open-ended tell-me-everything. Then, they build toward clear, measurable goals. Some therapists frame the work explicitly as problem-solving, which tends to land better with men who think of themselves as fixers, because it treats that instinct as something useful instead of something to unlearn.
Structured approaches like EMDR, which uses a defined process rather than extended verbal processing, or cognitive behavioral techniques that give you something to practice between sessions, are often a more comfortable entry point than sitting and talking about feelings in the abstract.
Format matters, too. Some men do better talking shoulder-to-shoulder than face-to-face, which is part of why walk-and-talk sessions and telehealth from your own car or living room have become more common. It can feel like there’s less pressure in it.
None of this means therapy for men skips the real work. Part of what a therapist does is help you build an emotional vocabulary over time, at a pace that doesn’t feel like being cracked open in front of a stranger.
When couples therapy might be the best choice
Even strong relationships take a hit after a baby arrives. Sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts, a sudden identity change for both partners, and household tasks that nobody agreed to are enough to strain a partnership that worked just fine before. Some friction here is normal. The question is whether it’s resolving on its own or hardening into a pattern.
A few signs tend to point toward couples therapy specifically, such as:
- The same fight keeps returning in a different outfit: dishes, money, who was up more last night
- One of you has started narrating the relationship instead of living in it — “we don’t really talk anymore,” “it’s like we’re just co-parenting now”, “it’s like we’re roommates”
- An argument ends and you both just . . . move on (without addressing it), and the next argument picks up right where the last one left off
- You’re each handling your own hard days fine on your own, but together you feel more like you’re on a shift schedule than acting as a team
- The small stuff — touch, humor, “how was your day” check-ins, kisses before you leave for the day — has stopped even though you miss it
That said, couples therapy isn’t always the first move. If one partner is dealing with depression, anxiety, or something else that’s primarily an individual struggle, individual therapy alongside or before couples work often makes more sense. The two aren’t competing options. For a lot of couples, both end up being part of the picture.
7 signs it’s time to take care of your mental health as a new father
Nobody hands you a manual for this. Most dads just keep going, because that’s what you do, until one day the going has gotten a lot harder than it should be.
If even a couple of these sound familiar, it’s worth paying attention to instead of waiting to see if it passes on its own.
- You feel like you’re watching your own life happen instead of living it
- Irritability is your new default, especially over things that never used to bother you
- You’re reaching for alcohol, work, or anything else more than usual to check out
- Scary, intrusive thoughts about your baby’s safety keep showing up and won’t leave
- You dread being alone with the baby, or you panic about your ability to keep them safe
- You’re tired in a way sleep doesn’t help resolve
- You’ve had thoughts that everyone would be better off without you
If that last one is true right now, please reach out for support immediately. You can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, anytime, for free.
New parent therapy in Wichita KS
If you’ve searched for therapy for men in Wichita and come up with a lot of general practitioners who also-work-with-new-parents-sometimes, that’s the gap we intend to close. We have two locations in Wichita, KS:
- West Wichita – 1301 N West St, Ste 5, Wichita, KS 67203
- East Wichita – 3710 Ridgewood, Ste D, Wichita, KS 67220
Finding therapy for dads in the KC Metro, Topeka, & Lawrence KS
Wherever you’re parenting from, the exhaustion follows you there.
We offer virtual therapy across Kansas and Missouri, which means no commute, no waiting room, no childcare logistics if you’re already parenting other little ones. You can sit on your couch, in your office, or in your car on your lunch break. Come exactly as you are.
We work with dads and non-birthing parents in Kansas City, Overland Park, Lawrence, Topeka, Manhattan, Salina, Hutchinson, and throughout both states of Kansas and Missouri. We accept most major insurance plans, including BCBS, Aetna, United/Optum, Ambetter, Kansas Medicaid plans, Medicare, and TriCare. Private pay is available, too.
If you’re looking for tips on dad burnout, or searching therapy for men, we’re here for you.
Let’s start slowly. You don’t have to know all the words just yet.
Takeaway
- Dads struggle with postpartum mental health, too: Depression and anxiety can affect new dads. Irritability, withdrawal, anxiety, burnout, and feeling disconnected can all be signs that something isn’t right.
- You don’t have to have it all together: The pressure to be the strong one—combined with sleep deprivation, work, and the demands of new parenthood—can take a serious toll because you’re only human.
- Therapy can look different than you think: It can be practical, collaborative, and focused on the specific challenges you’re facing. This could range from burnout and anxiety to relationship stress and adjusting to fatherhood.
- You deserve support, too: Getting help to improve your own well-being helps your partner and baby, too. You don’t need to wait until you’re falling apart to reach out.
FAQs about postpartum help for dads
As licensed therapists, here’s our best advice for dads: you don’t have to have fatherhood figured out to be a good dad. Give yourself permission to learn as you go, talk honestly about what you’re experiencing, and make space for your own needs alongside your family’s needs. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish; it can make it easier to show up as the dad and partner you want to be.
Not necessarily. Your partner and your relationship may be part of the conversation, but therapy for dads is also about you. You can talk about your own identity, stress, anxiety, depression, relationship with your child, expectations around fatherhood, past experiences, work-life balance, or anything else that is affecting you during the transition to parenthood.
You’re still a dad, and you deserve therapy that recognizes the unique experiences that can come with LGBTQ+ parenthood. Therapy can provide space to talk about everything from becoming a parent and navigating family dynamics to anxiety, depression, relationship stress, discrimination, or simply the everyday challenges of parenting.
At Holding New Therapy, our perinatal mental health support is inclusive of all families, not just heterosexual, cisgender parents.
Depleted dad syndrome isn’t a formal mental health diagnosis. It’s a casual term used to describe the physical and emotional exhaustion that can happen when dads are juggling work, parenting, relationship responsibilities, sleep deprivation, and the pressure to keep everything running.
A depleted dad might feel constantly tired, irritable, disconnected, overwhelmed, or like he’s running on autopilot. While exhaustion is common in new parenthood, persistent symptoms can sometimes point to burnout, depression, anxiety, or another mental health concern.
Fathers and other non-birthing parents can experience depression during pregnancy, sometimes called paternal perinatal depression. Major life changes, financial stress, relationship changes, sleep disruption, worries about becoming a parent, and a partner’s mental health can all contribute.
Depression doesn’t always look like sadness. For some dads, it can show up as irritability, anger, withdrawing from others, working constantly, losing interest in things they usually enjoy, or feeling numb or overwhelmed.
Fathers can experience anxiety during the postpartum period, too (and in pregnancy!). You might find yourself constantly worrying about your baby’s health or safety, feeling on edge, having trouble sleeping even when you have the opportunity, repeatedly checking on your baby, or feeling like something terrible is going to happen. Postpartum anxiety can look different from person to person, but you don’t have to wait until anxiety becomes unbearable before reaching out for help.
Dads and other non-birthing parents can experience perinatal or postpartum OCD. OCD can involve intrusive, unwanted thoughts about something bad happening to your baby, followed by compulsive behaviors meant to reduce the anxiety those thoughts create.
Having an intrusive thought does not mean you want it to happen or that you’re going to act on it. In fact, intrusive thoughts are often especially distressing precisely because they involve something you care deeply about. A therapist trained in perinatal OCD and exposure and response prevention (ERP) can help.
Being a happier dad starts with recognizing that you don’t have to do everything perfectly. Prioritize sleep when possible, make time for things you enjoy, stay connected with your partner and other supportive people, and give yourself permission to ask for help. If you consistently feel overwhelmed, irritable, numb, or disconnected, therapy can help. (And no, it doesn’t have to be formal or weird.)
Start by identifying what is actually causing your stress rather than trying to simply push through it. Take breaks when you can, share the mental load, maintain basic self-care, and talk openly with your partner or someone you trust. If dad stress is affecting your sleep, relationships, work, or ability to enjoy parenting, talking with a therapist can help you develop healthier ways to cope.
Perinatal mental health care is not only for the person who gave birth. Dads and other non-birthing parents can seek therapy during pregnancy and throughout the postpartum period. You can come to therapy for anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts, relationship changes, birth trauma, grief, identity changes, parenting stress, or simply because you’re struggling with the transition to parenthood.
Postpartum depression, anxiety, stress of being a dad, and other perinatal mental health concerns are covered under behavioral health benefits — the same as any other outpatient therapy. If your therapist specializes in perinatal mental health and is in-network with your insurance, your plan should cover it.
Holding New Therapy is a perinatal mental health practice licensed in Kansas & Missouri. Our team specializes exclusively in pregnancy, postpartum, infertility, loss, birth trauma, & the complicated middle of reproductive mental health — including postpartum counseling for new dads. This post is for informational purposes & is not a substitute for individualized clinical care. If you are in crisis or believe you are at risk of harming yourself, please call or text 988.
References:
- 1 in 10 dads experience postpartum depression, anxiety: How to spot The signs: Your pregnancy matters: Ut southwestern medical center. Your Pregnancy Matters | UT Southwestern Medical Center. (n.d.). https://utswmed.org/medblog/paternal-postpartum-depression/
↩︎ - Men’s Mental Health Resources. (n.d.). https://adaa.org/find-help/by-demographics/mens-mental-health
↩︎ - Dhillon, H. S., Sasidharan, S., Dhillon, G. K., & Babitha, M. (2022). Paternal depression: “The silent pandemic.” Industrial psychiatry journal. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9678161/
↩︎ - A call to action: Screening fathers for Perinatal Depression | Pediatrics | American Academy of Pediatrics. (n.d.-a). https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/145/1/e20191193/36978/A-Call-to-Action-Screening-Fathers-for-Perinatal
↩︎ - Https://www-sciencedirect-com.tdea.basesdedatosezp… (n.d.-b). https://www-sciencedirect-com.tdea.basesdedatosezproxy.com/science/article/abs/pii/S2603647922000513
↩︎ - The mental health of the modern dad. NAMI. (n.d.). https://www.nami.org/blog/the-mental-health-of-the-modern-dad/
↩︎ - U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (n.d.). Statistics. National Institute of Mental Health. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics
↩︎ - Men’s suicidal thoughts and behaviors and conformity to masculine norms: A person-centered, latent profile approach – sciencedirect. (n.d.-d). https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2405844024151250
↩︎ - The mental health of the modern dad. NAMI. (n.d.-a). https://www.nami.org/blog/the-mental-health-of-the-modern-dad/
↩︎ - Minkin, R., Lin, L., Braga, D., & Hurst, K. (2026, June 16). For working parents, the boundary between work and family is often blurred. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2026/06/16/for-working-parents-the-boundary-between-work-and-family-is-often-blurred/
↩︎ - httParker, K. (2015, April 1). Working-mom guilt? many dads feel it too. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2015/04/01/working-mom-guilt-many-dads-feel-it-too/
ps://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2015/04/01/working-mom-guilt-many-dads-feel-it-too/ ↩︎ - The impact of toxic masculinity on restrictive Emotionality and mental health seeking support – sciencedirect. (n.d.-e). https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886925004210
↩︎ - Bruno, A., Celebre, L., Mento, C., Rizzo, A., Silvestri, M. C., De Stefano, R., Zoccali, R. A., & Muscatello, M. R. A. (2020, February 11). When fathers begin to falter: A comprehensive review on paternal perinatal depression. International journal of environmental research and public health. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7068539/
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We’re committed to making therapy for new parents accessible. All of our sessions are held virtually to reduce barriers like transportation, childcare, finances, location, & mobility needs. If there’s anything we can do to better support your access to care (communication preferences, tech accommodations, website adjustments, etc), please let us know at admin@holdingnewtherapy.com.
